ughhhhhh. [16 Dec 2009|12:27pm] downtothe_sea [ mood | grumpy ] [ music | nothing ] i just saw something seriously disturbing on facebook. one of those friend recommendations popped up & it's a girl who is friends with some hollins people. she is a very large black girl, & her profile picture is from halloween; she's dressed up as max from where the wild things are. but it's not a wolf suit & a crown, it's like... "sexy" max. she's in a white mini skirt & white corset top, with this sheer white shrug/hood thing that has wolf ears on it. & a crown. did i mention she's very large? & max is a little boy? it's so wrong. my body is trying to get sick, but i'm not going to let it. so what if i have a fever & can't swallow without wincing? i will be fine. it's almost christmas & work is about to get super busy. i don't have time for sickness. plus i don't have any more vacation time, taking into account my end-of-the-month trip. this blows. i am feeling very... something... about all of this phd business. i can't pinpoint it. a lot of words fit in that blank & a number of them i don't think i want to admit to myself. i think because none of them are positive. i'm so... apprehensive. i'm pretty sure it all boils down to me being scared. honestly, i feel two completely conflicting things. if i get in, i will be thrilled & terrified. if i don't get in, i will be disappointed, but also relieved. it is that knowledge that i would be relieved that worries me. why would i feel relieved? is it because my career path for the next 5 or 6 years won't be locked down after all? what is it? i don't know. none of this is to say i don't want to go anymore. i absolutely do. i miss being in school, i want a doctorate, i want to go back to reading & writing full-time, & i miss the challenges that school offers in a way that jobs don't. my applications are 99% finished, which is relief in itself. it's all out of my hands now. i just get very confused whenever i think about it. i guess i technically don't have to anymore. blah blah blah. chalk all this up to me feeling poorly, actually. i would be much more optimistic about everything if i wasn't feeling bad. god i feel terrible. i just want to go home & crawl into bed. 1 comment|post comment

two thousand fine: a retrospective. [15 Dec 2009|04:24pm] downtothe_sea [ mood | good ] [ music | orchestral manoeuvres in the dark ] the year definitely has lived up to its name. actually this year was much better than fine. in last year's recap i dubbed 2008 "my favorite year yet," but i'm pretty sure 2009 topped it, even if it started off ominously with a stomach virus at the beach. 2008 was a really monumental year; so many big things happened - i visited seven countries, started grad school, became a pescetarian, "met" my boyfriend (not really met, but got acquainted with & started dating), got a tattoo. also on my list was "went to the movies alone." haha. 2009 was just as big, though, & 2010 is destined to be even bigger. i sure hope it's good. i think it will hold a new livejournal, among other things, like a new place of residence, a new school/job, a live-in boyfriend. i am filled with nervous excitement at the thought of all of it. i have no idea where i will be at this time next year! that's pretty thrilling. anyway, here goes. ( 2009. ) 2 comments|post comment

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